Not Dead, No Clowns
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Furious at the Joker's constant abuse of Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy concocts a love potion to make the Joker more interested in his girlfriend. This backfires, however, when Ivy accidentally gets exposed to the love potion, and falls in love with the Joker herself. Thanks to blackcat9517 for the love potion idea, and madisonhagan1 for exploring Ivy's backstory. :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Not Dead, No Clowns**

_She was lying on the floor, dying. She knew she was dying – she could feel the life seeping out of her, to be replaced by pain, terrible, burning agonizing pain flowing through every inch of her, pumping through her bloodstream. Plant toxins, killing her, destroying her...she was dying, and she was alone. Where had he gone? He couldn't have left her, not when she had done this for him, not when she was dying for him…_

_ The terrible moment of realization was almost worse than the poison – the death of her heart hurt more than the rest of her body put together. She let out an agonized scream, a scream that tore through the last shreds of her humanity, a scream that expelled the shattered remains of her heart and life: "Jason!"_

Poison Ivy awoke from the dream suddenly to a desperate knocking on her front door. "Red! Red! It's me! Please let me in!"

Ivy sat up with a deep breath, still confused and dizzy from the dream. She noticed her hands were shaking as she threw on her robe, and frowned. It wasn't like her to have dreams like that – she thought she had repressed those memories forever. But then she supposed dreaming was some involuntary return to things that had been repressed, or that's what the shrinks said. She would have to ask Harley, she thought, humorlessly, as she pulled open the front door to reveal her friend standing in the night air, tearful and bruised and shivering.

Ivy didn't say a word – she just held open the door and turned around to head back to bed, yawning. Although it hurt her to see Harley in pain, the sight had become so routine as to almost have lost its power.

"I'm real sorry to wake you like this, Red…" began Harley

"Just skip it, Harley," she muttered. "I'm sure I'll hear all about it in the morning, but right now I just wanna go back to bed. You should really have a key anyway, as often as this has happened, so you can just let yourself in."

She entered her bedroom and pointed to the bed. "Get in," she snapped.

Harley looked at her. "Oh…thanks, Red, but…I don't really…uh…I mean, there's nothing wrong with you wanting to experiment, y'know, but it just ain't for me. I'm flattered, really…"

"Harley, do I look in the mood for sex?" demanded Ivy. "And frankly if I was gonna experiment with women, I'd try one that hasn't been contaminated with whatever it is the clown's got. The house is being renovated – a couple of my plants needed more root space and they tore up the whole place. While I'm waiting for a builder who's unattractive enough that I let him do the work I'm paying him for instead of having an affair with him, I've closed off the other rooms. You can sleep in the bed or on the floor – it's your choice."

"Oh. Ok, Red!" said Harley, cheerfully, climbing into bed and snuggling down under the covers. Ivy lay down on the other side, shutting her eyes and trying to drop off again.

She heard Harley sniffling, trying to cry silently, and sighed. "Would it help to talk about it?" she muttered.

"Nah," whispered Harley, who was facing away from her. "Nothing can help except…Mr. J taking me back!"

She sobbed, and Ivy sighed again. She was almost past caring about Harley's pain at this point – she was lying in the bed she made, metaphorically, of course. Time and time again Ivy had told her to leave the clown, that he was no good for her, that she deserved better, and time and time again Harley had just come running back to him when he snapped his fingers. Harley wasn't a stupid woman, but she was insane, and therefore reason and rational discussion held no sway against her blind faith in the clown. But then love did have the power to make even the most intelligent people do stupid things…

Ivy's dream came back to the front of her mind, and she shut her eyes firmly again, trying to concentrate on sleep. It had all worked out fine in the end in her case, and she was sure it would in Harley's too. One day the clown would show his true face to her, a face beyond redemption, and Harley would realize that he was scum, and leave him. And Harley would be strong, and independent, and happy, just like she was. Just like she was…

She had managed to drift off, but awoke a few hours later to a tapping on the window. The window was facing Harley's side of the bed, and Ivy was about to turn over to see what was making the noise, when she felt Harley get out of bed and rush over to the window, opening it. "Mr. J?" she whispered.

Ivy scowled, shutting her eyes again. She could tell him to get lost, but he wouldn't listen to her anyway, and she wasn't in the mood for dealing with his jokes at the moment. Far easier just to pretend to be asleep.

"What are you doing here?" whispered Harley.

"Obvious, ain't it?" he retorted. "I want you to come home."

"You mean you're sorry for what you've done?" she asked.

"Didn't say that, did I?" he snapped. "I said I want you to come home."

"I…I ain't coming home until you promise not to treat me like crap no more, Mr. J…" she began, but she was cut off suddenly, and Ivy heard the sound of a kiss, and Harley sighing in delight.

"Now stop being a stupid crybaby and come home," murmured the Joker's voice. "Wouldn't you rather share a bed with Daddy tonight?"

"Mr. J, I can't just…" she began again, but she was cut off again, for a longer period of time. "Oh…Mr. J!" she breathed at last. "Oh, I love you, puddin'!"

"So you'll come home now and stop all this nonsense, won't you, pumpkin pie?"

"Yeah, Mr. J," she said.

Ivy willed herself to be silent, but couldn't. "Seriously?" she said, rolling over and sitting up suddenly. "He hasn't even apologized or promised not to do it again, and you just give into him like that?! I mean, I guess it's good that he isn't lying by saying he's changed or he's sorry, but still, Harley, get some self-respect!"

"Red…I thought you were still asleep," said Harley, who was halfway out the window. The Joker just glared at Ivy.

"That's right, Harley, listen to the Weed Lady tell you about self-respect," he retorted. "Here's a dame who's so desperate for any man that she'll settle for any semi-attractive piece of meat who comes along. That ain't how self-respecting women act – that's how desperate women act."

"Oh yeah, right, J, because I'd much rather be chained to an abusive, psychotic creep for the rest of my life, like Harley is!" snapped Ivy.

"Sweetheart, I doubt you could even keep an abusive, psychotic creep," retorted the Joker. "Or any man, really. Good thing you got the plants when your human relationships break down, which is once every week."

"Red, Mr. J, please, don't fight…" began Harley.

"I'm not gonna fight with him or you anymore, Harley," snapped Ivy. "I'm past caring. You can both kill each other for all I care. All I have ever tried to do is see you happy…"

"What, like you are?" interrupted the Joker. "Yeah, you look it, toots. Alone in your house, having to share a bed with your best friend because you ain't go no one else…yeah, you're real happy."

He seized Harley's arm and dragged her away. Ivy stared after them, her body shaking in a mixture of fury and annoyance and…something else. Something the clown had said had hit home, as much as she wanted to deny it.

She lay back down. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of letting him know he had got to her. She was going back to sleep, and in the morning she would just get on with her life without the two of them in it. And she would be a lot happier for it. Not that she wasn't happy now, because she was. She was, she assured herself, as she lay alone in the darkness. She was really, truly happy. The tears she was shedding was just because she was tired. And for Harley, she felt bad for Harley. The poor woman would never be happy chained to that clown. She would only be happy when she was free, like Ivy. Freedom made you happy. Freedom and independence, both of which Ivy had. And that's why she was happy, she assured herself. That's why she was happy.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Ivy again woke to a frantic knocking on her door. "Red! Red, it's me! Please let me in!"

Ivy made her way down the hall with a strange feeling of déjà vu. "Good morning, Harley – didn't we just do this?" she asked, opening the door to her friend.

"Yeah, but Mr. J still ain't learned his lesson, the selfish jerk!" she cried, sobbing into her hands.

"It's only been about three hours – how could you have possibly had another fight this quickly?" asked Ivy.

"Well, everything was great when we got home," she sniffed, wiping her eyes. "But when I woke up this morning, the creep was at it again!"

"What exactly has he done this time?" asked Ivy, heading toward the kitchen with Harley following her.

"Oh, well, he got ahold of Batsy's telephone number," said Harley, sitting down at the kitchen table. "And so he just keeps calling him all the time. Bats don't pick up, but he leaves him long, rambling messages anyway, about a lotta nothing, y'know, the weather, bad jokes, why people don't wear spats anymore, that kinda thing."

"What's the point of…" began Ivy, but she fell silent. Asking what the point of the Joker doing something was about as sensible as asking why Batman wore a cape. He just did.

"And I told him, Mr. J, you spend enough time focusing on making plans and fighting the Bat without calling him all the time too," said Harley, in her sternest voice. "I said you gotta put me first sometimes. And he told me not to talk to him when he was talking on the phone, and things escalated from there," she sighed. "Anyway, this morning he was having a one-sided discussion with the Bat about what he should have for breakfast, and I told him if he didn't hang up that phone right now, I was leaving again. And he didn't, so I did."

"I'm proud of you, Harley," said Ivy, handing her a cup of instant coffee. "Now promise me you won't go back to him within a few hours this time."

"I promise, Red," said Harley, firmly. She was silent as she sipped her coffee. "How many hours is a few? Like three? Four? I think I can probably do four…"

"For God's sake, Harley!" snapped Ivy, slamming her mug down. "Can't you just…"

She was about to launch a torrent of abuse at her, but suddenly her dream came back to her, and she realized she shouldn't be so hard on her. She sighed heavily instead, rubbing her temples. "Look, Harley," she began, gently. "I know what it's like, I…I really do. I know what it's like to think that you can't live without a guy, and that you'd do anything for him, but…but he's not worth it, Harley. He doesn't love you. And the sooner you realize that, the less pain you'll have. Trust me."

"He _does_ love me, Red," said Harley. "He's just…bad at showing it the way normal people do. And that's fine, I mean, I wouldn't want my puddin' to be a normal guy, but still, sometimes…sometimes it'd be nice for him to show he cared."

She sipped her coffee again. "I've been thinking of ways I can rekindle his interest," she continued. "Maybe I can do something really sexy, like lick a hammer suggestively, or ride a wrecking ball naked…"

"That's…not sexy, Harley," said Ivy, slowly.

"Sure it is, Red!" exclaimed Harley. "I saw it in this music video…"

"I think the only way J is ever going to be interested in you is if Batman dies," retorted Ivy. "Which I'm working on, by the way, although not just for you, I'll be honest."

"I mean, it's easy for you, Red," said Harley. "Guys fall over themselves to get a chance to be with you. What's your secret?"

Ivy smiled. "Well, if all else fails, a little mind-control lipstick," she retorted. "It's made outta pheromones that…" she trailed off suddenly. "Pheromones that increase…sexual attraction," she murmured.

"I thought you said it controlled their minds," said Harley, frowning.

Ivy shrugged. "Well, you know they do always say that a guy's mind is in his pants," she said, smiling.

"Yeah. I dunno where Mr. J's mind is," sighed Harley. "Guess he just lost it when he went crazy."

"Or it's in someone's Bat-pants," muttered Ivy.

"That whole lipstick thing must come in kinda handy when a guy says he ain't in the mood," continued Harley, who hadn't heard. "You think maybe you could loan me some of that stuff, Red?"

Ivy thought. "I think I can do one better than that, Harley," she said, standing up. "I mean, the lipstick does tend to wear off pretty quick. If you want a more permanent solution, I might be able to give you just the thing."

She snapped her fingers and vines trailed into the room, carrying bottles of chemicals. "I normally mix the pheromones with a kinda petroleum jelly and red coloring, plus artificial fruit flavoring, and then harden it into stick form," she said, mixing the chemicals together. "But if I left it in liquid form, and you managed to sneak it into J's drink or something, the drug would enter the bloodstream and last a lot longer than a simple kiss."

"But how would I make sure it's me he gets crazy for?" asked Harley. "With a kiss it makes sense that the person who kissed you is the one you fall for, but how's he gonna know I'm the one who put this in his drink?"

"He won't," retorted Ivy. "But pheromones arouse a basic biological response. If a man is a heterosexual, which you assure me J is, although I have my doubts, the pheromones just attract the person exposed to the nearest person of the opposite sex. Assuming it's just you and J, you'll be the object of his desire."

"Gee, wouldn't that be nice?" sighed Harley, dreamily.

Ivy let her daydream as she mixed some more chemicals together. And then someone knocked on the door.

Harley checked her watch. "If it's Mr. J, can you forgive me for going back to him within half an hour?" she asked.

"Yes, Harley," sighed Ivy, resigned. "The potion's almost ready anyway."

It wasn't the Joker knocking on the door, however. It was Two-Face. "Harvey, this is a surprise," said Ivy, as she stepped in front of the potion to conceal it.

"Awfully early for you to be working," said Two-Face.

"Awfully early for you to stop by," retorted Ivy.

"Uh…maybe I should…get outta your hair, Red…" said Harley, slowly.

"No, don't worry, Harley, we're not seeing each other anymore," said Ivy. "Anything Harvey can say to me, he can say to you."

"Ok. Just came by to return the rest of your stuff, since I won't be needing it at my place anymore," growled Two-Face, slamming a box onto the table.

"Wow, I like the color of that bra there, Red," said Harley, peering into the box. "But what do you need so much Vaseline for?"

"Nothing, Harley!" snapped Ivy, shutting the box lid hastily. "Thank you, Harvey, always nice to see you. We should meet up for coffee sometime."

"Yeah," agreed Two-Face, scowling. "Just don't go putting any of that crap you're experimenting with in it," he said, nodding at the potion. "I've been poisoned by you before. Should have learned my lesson then, really."

"Yeah, maybe you should've," agreed Ivy. "Guess you're pretty dense, huh, Harvey?"

"Guess I am," he said, nodding. "Should have known better than to trust my heart to some selfish bitch who's so concerned about her own pleasure that she don't care who she hurts."

"This from you, Mr. Self-Sacrificing District Attorney," retorted Ivy, sarcastically. "Oh wait, I forgot. You're a criminal lunatic just like me, who doesn't care about hurting people either."

"I don't care about hurting people," he agreed. "But I never would have hurt you the way you did me. And I hope some small part of you will always regret that, Pammie."

"I don't regret things, Harvey," snapped Ivy.

"Then you're the dense one, not me," he muttered. "See ya around, Pammie. Harley," he said, nodding at her.

"I like Harvey," said Harley, frankly, as the door shut.

"Then you date him," Ivy retorted, returning to her work.

"Nah, he could never compete with a great guy like Mr. J," sighed Harley, happily. "He's just the best a girl could get!"

Ivy rolled her eyes and ignored her. "I do think you two make a cute couple, though…" began Harley.

"Just stop it, Harley," interrupted Ivy. "I don't wanna talk about it, all right? I'm happy being single at the moment. No man to tie me down or demand things from me. Frankly, I don't plan on getting involved with anyone again anytime soon," she said, handing Harley a vial full of the completed love potion.

Ivy's plans were about to change.


	3. Chapter 3

Poison Ivy sat at her desk, tapping her pen thoughtfully against the blank piece of paper in front of her. She had been thinking hard over the past few days, and had come to the conclusion that she needed to be more choosy about the type of men she dated. It was the culmination of a lot of things – the way things had worked out with Two-Face, her dream, even the things the Joker had said. Much as she hated to admit it, he was right. She did sometimes look desperate chasing after any half-attractive man. Literally a half-attractive man in Harvey's case, she thought dryly. It was time she figured out exactly what she was looking for in a man.

"Not dead," she wrote at the top of the paper. That seemed a little obvious, maybe, but it was better to start big and then narrow down, she reminded herself.

A knock came on her door and she went to answer it. "Hi, Miss Isley?" said a rugged, muscular man, standing on her doorstep. "I'm here to take a look at your basement."

Ivy stared at him, open-mouthed, forgetting her newfound resolution to be choosey. "Is that so?" she breathed, grinning. "Well, in that case, c'mon in, handsome," she said, smiling seductively at him and holding open the door.

"You've been having some trouble with roots down there, so I hear," he said, entering the room.

"Well, not anymore, handsome," she murmured, grinning.

"Er…sorry?" he said, puzzled.

"Never mind," she said, quickly. "Right this way."

The phone rang suddenly. "Just down the stairs there – I'll be right with you," she said, smiling.

She seized the phone. "What?!"

"Red? It's Harley."

"Not a good time, Harley!" she hissed. "I'm a little busy here!"

"But Red, I need your help!" cried Harley. "It's Mr. J! The potion didn't work on him!"

"What? What are you talking about?" demanded Ivy. "Are you sure he drank it?"

"Yeah, Red, I put it in his drink, just like you said," replied Harley. "And I made sure he drank it all down. And I was expecting that he'd suddenly grab me or something, but he just went to his study as usual. And when I followed and tried to hint about revving up his Harley, he told me to beat it. And when I started licking my hammer, he told me not to be disgusting, grabbed it from me, and knocked me down the stairs with it. Which was actually kinda a relief, since it didn't taste very nice, but still…"

"Harley, you must have done something wrong," interrupted Ivy. "I didn't think even you could screw this up, but I guess I was mistaken."

She sighed heavily. "Hang on, I'll brew up another one and be right over. And this time I'm going to supervise you to make sure you do it right!"

She slammed the phone down, and then went to go find the builder. "Sorry, handsome, I gotta run. Would you mind coming back later? I'll make it worth your while."

"Hey, it's your dime," said the builder, shrugging.

"Mmm, yeah, I don't really deal with money if I can avoid it, handsome," she murmured, applying her lipstick. "It's so dirty, and I'm not that kinda girl."

She suddenly seized his face in her hands and kissed him. "So I'll see you in a couple hours?" she breathed, drawing away.

"Anything you want, Ivy," he murmured, captivated.

Ivy smiled as she headed for her lab. "See, Harley? Piece of cake."

…

"Thank God you're here!" exclaimed Harley, opening the door to Ivy. "There's been no change in Mr. J – he's just sitting in his study working just as if I ain't exposed him to any sexual arousing pheromones!"

"You're sure you put them in his glass, Harley?" asked Ivy as they headed toward the kitchen.

"Yeah, see? I even put an 'x' on the glass, so I know that's not the one to drink out of," she said, nodding at the empty glass. Then she frowned. "Wait…or maybe I put an 'x' on it because it _was _the one I was supposed to drink out of. Oh yeah, that explains it!" she said, brightening. "Guess I accidentally swallowed the love potion instead of Mr. J! Funny how it don't seem to affect me…"

"I don't think anyone's surprised that regular Harley Quinn is the same as Harley Quinn exposed to love pheromones," sighed Ivy. "You're still nuts about the clown either way."

She reached into her bag and poured a vial into the glass with the 'x.' "Now mix that with some scotch or something, wait a few minutes, and give it to J," she snapped. "And I'll get outta your hair."

"Nah, c'mon, Red, stay for a drink while we wait for it to work," said Harley, reaching into the cupboard and pulling out two more glasses. "Head into the living room and I'll join you in a bit."

Ivy sighed but obeyed, sitting down on the couch in the living room. Harley returned a few moments later carrying two glasses. "I just gave Mr. J his medicine!" she giggled. "How long do you think it'll take to work, Red?"

"It's pretty instantaneous, usually," retorted Ivy, taking her glass from Harley and sipping it. "If he's not down here within five minutes wanting to drag you off to bed, I'll be incredibly surprised."

Harley giggled again and they waited, both sipping their drinks. Five minutes passed. And then ten.

"Why isn't he down yet?" whined Harley, twitching restlessly.

"I don't know," said Ivy, frowning. "I can't think of any reason why he'd be immune to the drug. He hasn't…"

But she froze suddenly as she looked down at her glass. Since she had drained it of all liquid, the reverse side was revealed. And there was an 'x' on it.

"Harley," whispered Ivy, slowly. "What glass did you give J?"

"The one without the 'x', Red," said Harley, nodding. "Because the 'x' means it's safe, right?"

"No, you little idiot!" shrieked Ivy, standing up. "You mixed them up again!"

At that moment, the door to the living room was thrown open, and the Joker stood there, looking annoyed. "I can't concentrate on my work with you two yammering down here!" he shouted. "I got enough voices going on in my head without this racket! Just beat it, Plant Lady!"

Ivy stared at the Joker with a strange look on her face. A look which suddenly transformed into an adoring smile.

It was only when the Joker's rant was cut off by Ivy throwing herself into his arms and kissing him, that Harley, with a sudden lurch of horror, realized what she had done.


	4. Chapter 4

"Get offa him!" shrieked Harley, leaping to her feet and rushing forward to separate them. She seized Ivy around the waist and tried to pull her off Joker, who was too stunned to respond for a moment, but then joined Harley in trying to push Ivy off him.

"Hey, take it easy, toots!" he snapped, as Ivy clung diligently on. "I understand I'm an irresistible kinda guy, and I don't blame you for wanting to get down with the clown, but even I'm not evil enough to try anything with Harley standing right here!"

"I hope you'd never…try anything anyway, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, tugging at Ivy.

"Might teach you to appreciate what you got instead of…always nagging me for more!" he shouted, shoving against Ivy.

"_You're _the one who don't…appreciate what you got!" shrieked Harley. "Always putting me second to…Batman!"

Her anger did the trick, and she tore Ivy free with a mighty wrench. "At least Batman's psycho friends don't try to just suddenly make out with me!" shouted Joker. "Although I think I've seen the yearning in Robin's eyes…"

"How could anyone not wanna be with you, J?" breathed Ivy, adoringly, as Harley struggled to hold her back. "You're just the most gorgeous, handsome, clever, talented, funny man in the whole wide world!"

Joker just stared at her. "Is this a joke?" he demanded, rounding on Harley.

"I wish it was!" shrieked Harley. "Red brought around a love potion to get you more interested in me, but she ended up accidentally drinking it herself! Through no fault of my own," she added, hastily.

Joker sighed heavily. "Well, it's a good thing I've got a lotta experience rejecting women," he sighed. "Years of practice with you, you dumb blonde, will allow me to swiftly and effectively alleviate this situation without further ado," he said, calmly, adjusting his bowtie and approaching Ivy.

"Now Pammie, if we just sit down and discuss this like gentlemen…" he began.

But she ripped herself out of Harley's arms suddenly, flinging herself at him again. "Just take me, J!" she gasped. "Take me now! I can't wait another second!"

"Jesus, she's worse than Harley!" exclaimed Joker, struggling to push Ivy off him again. "Pammie, no! Pammie, down! Pammie!" He whistled. "Pammie, sit!"

"She's not a dog, Mr. J!" shouted Harley.

"Do you want me to be a dog, J?" asked Ivy. "It's not one of my favorite positions, but I'll do it for you, J! Anything you want, any way you want, J!"

"Ok, Pammie, listen to me," said Joker, seizing her face in his hands. "Daddy wants to play a little game, ok?"

"Mmm, I love games, J," she breathed, leaning forward to kiss him.

"The game is hide and seek," said the Joker, backing away from her. "You count to two million, and I go hide. And then you have to find me. I could be anywhere in the whole city, so it might take a little while, but don't you dare cheat, or you won't get anything, ok?"

"And when I find you, what do I get?" murmured Ivy, grinning.

"Uh…you get…uh…to play another game!" invented Joker, quickly. "Which I'll tell you more about if you find me!"

"And when do I get _you_, J?" she breathed, approaching him again. "I want you so badly…"

"Well…the…uh…the wait will only make the payoff more gratifying," said Joker, hastily, continuing to back away. "Isn't that right, Harley?"

"Sure, Mr. J," sighed Harley, burying her face in her hands.

"Good. You keep an eye on Pammie now, pooh, and make sure she counts all the way to two million," he said, patting her on the head. "Maybe discuss how wonderful I am, but not too wonderful, ok? Don't want her getting more excited than she already is."

"Yes, Mr. J," muttered Harley.

"That's my girl. I love you, pooh bear."

He kissed Harley's cheek and then raced out the door. Ivy turned to glare at her. "He doesn't love you; he loves me," she said coldly. "No man can resist me."

"Think Mr. J just did," retorted Harley, folding her arms across her chest. Then she smiled. "But at least now you'll finally agree with me when I talk about how gorgeous he is! Doncha just love his hair?"

"Oh yeah," sighed Ivy, dreamily. "Just wanna run my fingers through it."

"Yeah," sighed Harley. "And he's got such pretty eyes. I could just stare into them forever."

"Forget his face, although it is perfect," agreed Ivy. "He's got a body to die for."

"You're telling me," said Harley, beaming. "And you wonder why I'm always so hot for him all the time."

"Not anymore I don't," retorted Ivy. "And I must have been a total idiot for not seeing how gorgeous he is sooner. I want him, Harley. And Poison Ivy always gets the man she wants," she growled, dangerously.

"Yeah…sure, Red," said Harley, slowly. "Let's…uh…start counting to two million, huh?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Can I ask you a question, Bruce?"

Bruce Wayne had been looking around the room, trying to figure out exactly where he was, so Batman could return to Two-Face's hideout later to collect him. But he now returned his attention to his former friend.

"Sure, Harvey, anything, you know that," he said, softly.

Two-Face sat next to him on the sofa, sipping a drink and flipping his coin thoughtfully. "Do you think…you can love someone without...liking them?"

Bruce sipped his own drink, wondering how best to respond to that. When he had got a call completely out of the blue from his former best friend Harvey Dent, now the criminal mastermind Two-Face, he had been in two minds about his request to meet. On the one hand, Batman should have appeared and taken him back to Arkham. On the other, Bruce had never stopped believing that he could help Harvey come back to the side of right and justice. And the way he had sounded on the phone, quiet and broken, convinced Bruce that the only thing that could help him now was a sympathetic friend listening to him, rather than the cold justice of Batman depositing him back behind the walls of Arkham.

So Bruce Wayne had appeared at the meeting spot Two-Face had suggested. He had been blindfolded and taken to this location, Two-Face's hideout, with a promise that he would be safely returned to Wayne Manor in a few hours time. It was stupid to trust Two-Face, maybe, thought Bruce, but he had always trusted Harvey. Anyway, it was unlikely that Two-Face or any of his henchmen who might appear could do any real harm to Batman.

"I guess it's possible," said Bruce, slowly. "I mean, love's pretty crazy and irrational. I guess it could come between people who don't actually like each other."

"Like Joker and Batman!" said Two-Face, forcing a smile. Bruce forced one too.

"Sure, yeah," he muttered in annoyance, sipping his drink again.

Bruce's phone rang suddenly. "Sorry, do you need to get that?" asked Two-Face.

Bruce glanced at the number and sighed. "No," he sighed, turning his phone onto silent. It was the Joker again. He had been calling Batman for days now, and Batman had only put up with it because he was working on tracking the Joker's own phone through the use of his number and finding the location of his hideout. But it seemed like calling him was what the Joker did when he was bored now. Better than committing crimes, thought Bruce, but still…

"I…uh…I just needed to talk to someone, Bruce," murmured Two-Face. "I'm sorry it had to be you, but…well, I'm not that close to any of the other lunatics. The Joker don't take anything seriously. And you…well…you've always been my best friend."

Bruce actually did smile at this. "And you've always been mine, Harvey," he murmured. "This about a girl?"

"Yeah," muttered Two-Face, running his fingers through his hair. "I should know better by now, really. We've been on and off for some time now, but she called it off recently for the last time and…uh…it's hurt more than it should."

He stood up. "I don't like her, Bruce," he muttered. "She's selfish and stubborn and angry and cruel and…just the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life," he finished. "I mean, she's got a terrible temper but…but so do I, and that ain't always a bad thing. She hates men, all men, she says, but I think that's just because she's been…real hurt by one once. But she won't tell me about it. She won't…make herself vulnerable to me. That's the problem. That's why we don't work. Neither of us will show the other even the smallest weakness. I think we're afraid to open up, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of…I dunno."

He drained his glass. "But…but that's what love is, Bruce," he whispered. "Making yourself vulnerable. Opening up, showing weakness. Taking pain if you have to, and surviving, growing stronger, together. And she's not willing to do that. Maybe she don't know how. I don't think I do either," he muttered, sitting down again and burying his face in his hands.

Bruce was silent. "I wish I could help, Harvey," he murmured. "But I don't think I know how to either. I've had to be strong for so long, since the death of my parents, I've had to have the strength to fight…everything. If I let down my guard, I might lose that strength, and I can't afford to. I can't afford to lose everything I fought for. I'd have nothing left."

Two-Face nodded. "Maybe that's what she's afraid of too," he whispered. "But I think it can be worth the risk, y'know? That if you risk letting in a weakness like love…well, you might end up with the strength of two people in the end, instead of just one. I know I could help her if she'd only let me in…"

At that moment, there was a scuffle from outside. "But he's got company, Mr. Joker!"

"I don't care! I need to talk to him right now! It's an emergency! Outta my way, mercs!"

The door to the room was thrown open, and Bruce turned to see the Joker standing in the doorway, panting. "Where is he?" he gasped, rushing around the room and peering into the shadows. "He's gotta be here somewhere, spying on you…"

"Who, J?" demanded Two-Face.

"Batsy, of course!" exclaimed Joker. He held up his phone. "I've been calling him for weeks in order to track down his location via his cell phone number! I thought I could plan a surprise party for him or something, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and now I gotta play my hand early! But he's here! It says he's here!" said Joker, frowning as he studied the screen.

He dialled a number and they heard a ringing. Bruce Wayne had thought on his feet, and took this opportunity to remove his phone from his pocket and throw it far out of the window of the multi-storey building. "Oh dear, he must have flown off," said Bruce, calmly, as the ringing got farther and farther away, and then stopped completely as the cell phone shattered on a distant street.

"His phone's dead!" gasped Joker, as the ringing changed to a dial tone. "He must have been on to me! But…but no, wait, Batsy, come back!" he shouted, rushing to the window. "I'm not gonna hurt you this time – I need your help! It's not a joke! Yoo hoo, Batsy! Please! Come back!"

"What's the problem, J?" asked Two-Face.

Joker turned to look at him, and suddenly noticed Bruce Wayne. His face instantly relaxed into its usual, beaming smile. "Bruce Wayne!" he exclaimed, rushing to embrace him. "Oh, thank God! You'll do! She'll prefer a guy like you to me – young, rich, handsome, the whole package! And you'll take the fall for me, won't you, buddy? You'll just love her, you son of a gun, she's gorgeous! And you love gorgeous dames, don't you?"

"J, what the hell is going on?" demanded Two-Face.

Joker released Bruce and poured himself a drink, chuckling. "I can explain very briefly, Harv. Your dame's gone nuts."

"Pammie?" murmured Two-Face, eyes narrowing. "She ain't my dame."

"Well, she's gone nuts anyway," retorted Joker, shrugging. "Maybe that has something to do with it. She's taken this love potion thing that's made her crazy for me. And when I say crazy, I mean real psycho. I mean, I thought Harley was bad! Pammie makes her look positively stand-offish!"

"Pammie's gone crazy…for you?" stammered Two-Face, in disbelief. "Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, it'd be quite the joke if wasn't so terrifying," agreed Joker, nodding. "But she _is _terrifying, Harv. I dunno how you dealt with her in a frisky mood – Harley you can slap around and beat unconscious, but I don't think that kinda stuff is gonna work with Pammie. Probably just put her more in the mood."

He downed his drink, turning back to Bruce and smiling. "But we can just throw this attractive piece of meat at her!" he said, throwing up his hands. "She'll love him! And while she's devouring him like a rabid hyena, I'll make my getaway."

"Where would you go?" asked Two-Face.

Joker shrugged. "Metropolis. Crash Lexy's place maybe until Bats can get the Weed Lady under control. I mean, he's gonna hear about it sooner or later, from you or Harley, and I know Bats wouldn't have the heart to let the dame keep me away permanently. He'd be so bored without me. He cares, he really does."

"You said she took a potion," murmured Bruce, thoughtfully. "Do you know what sort of chemicals were in it?"

"Why should you care, Rich Boy?" retorted Joker.

Bruce shrugged. "If Batman's going to stop her, I assume he'll need to make an antidote. And he can't do that without knowing what's in it."

"He'll figure it out," said Joker. "He's Batman. He's the World's Greatest Detective."

"Yes, and I imagine it's pretty difficult for him to detect anything if people don't give him any information," retorted Bruce.

Joker shrugged. "Well, it's his problem. I dunno what was in it. Harley just told me about it when Pammie jumped me. I mean, it is flattering, don't get me wrong, and I always suspected she had a thing for me. Most women do, y'see," he sighed. "It's just my animal magnetism. But it's so hard sometimes, being an attractive man and fighting off attention from all these dames, isn't it, Bruce?" he said.

"Yeah…sure," muttered Bruce.

At that moment, there was a strange rumbling beneath their feet, and an instant later, a mass of plant vines burst through the floor, wrapping themselves around Bruce, Two-Face, and the Joker. And then the door was thrown open again, and Poison Ivy strode in, followed by Harley Quinn, who was trying to drag her back by her arm.

"But Red, we've only counted to 287,968!" she whined.

"I don't care, Harley," whispered Ivy, her eyes fixing on Joker and smiling. "I'm not going to wait any longer to get what I want."

She approached him. "Pammie, are you nuts?" demanded Two-Face, struggling against the plants, which held him tight. "You hate J! You've always hated J!"

"Actually, Harvey, I've always hated _you_," she growled, turning on him angrily. "You were always pushing and prying into my business, trying to control my life and my feelings, trying to poke your nose into my past where it doesn't belong. Well, J doesn't care about my feelings. And he don't care about my past. He's a man of action, and that's what I want right now. Action."

"Red, please, you can't have Mr. J…" began Harley, desperately.

"Especially not when there's a much more eligible young man just over there," said Joker, nodding at Bruce. "Who's single, unlike me…"

"I'm actually dating someone at the moment," growled Bruce.

"Is she homicidal?" demanded Joker.

"No."

"Well, mine is! So if one of us is gonna cheat, I vote for you!"

Ivy looked at Bruce and snorted. "Bruce Wayne?" she said, turning back to the Joker. "Doesn't hold a candle to you, J."

"Well, I've always thought so too…" began Joker, smiling.

"Red, stop it!" shrieked Harley, picking up a poker by the fireplace. "Stop it right now! I don't wanna hurt you, but I will, if you mess with my guy…"

She screamed as plants seized her arms, making her drop the poker. "I'm sorry it has to be like this, Harley," whispered Ivy. "But you of all people know how irresistible he is. After all, in a contest between him and me, you would always choose him too."

She wrapped herself around the plant that imprisoned the Joker and then snapped her fingers. And then plant, the Joker, and Poison Ivy disappeared into the ground.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, desperately. "Mr. J! Red! No!"

Bruce Wayne had been working at cutting away the plant that was imprisoning him with his pocket knife, and was finally freed. He shoved the mass of weeds off him, and then went to free Two-Face and Harley.

"We have to go after them!" gasped Harley, racing for the door. "Before she hurts puddin'!"

"But we don't know where they are!" said Two-Face.

"Batman will," muttered Bruce.

"Yeah, but he ain't here!" shouted Two-Face.

Bruce smiled. "A man of my standing has certain influence with the police," he muttered. "I'll go to the station, make them light the Batsignal, and tell them what I know. I'm sure Batman will come."

"But it might be too late!" cried Harley.

"While you're waiting, follow the vines," said Bruce, nodding at the trail of destruction the plants had left in their wake. "I'm sure Batman will too, and intercept you. And then you can track Ivy together."

"C'mon, Harvey!" cried Harley, rushing out the door. Two-Face stared after her, and then picked up his coin.

"Leave Pammie in the mess she's made," he muttered, flipping it. "Please leave Pammie in the mess she's made."

The coin landed good side up, and Two-Face scowled. "Dammit," he muttered, following Harley out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

The Joker was normally a fan of handcuffs. Whether it was Batman restraining him after a good punch up in order to drag him back to Arkham, or him detaining some hostages for torture, or Harley tying him to the bed for a different type of torture, or vice versa, handcuffs were usually a symbol of pleasure, comfort, and fun. Except now. The handcuffs that restrained him to Ivy's bed didn't fill him at all with feelings of assurance or happiness, and he looked around desperately for some way he could escape from them.

Poison Ivy entered the bedroom suddenly, wearing nothing but a thin, green nightdress. She stood in the doorway, smiling seductively at the Joker, and then approached him slowly.

"Ok, Pammie, fun's fun, but I really think this needs to stop," said Joker, as she climbed onto the bed. "I mean, you're really gonna regret this when that potion wears off. Not to mention what Harley is gonna do to you…"

"I'm not afraid of Harley," whispered Ivy, straddling his lap and licking slowly up his cheek. "Maybe the reason you're always so cold with her is because you dunno what it's like to be with a real woman. But you're gonna find out tonight, J."

"And I really appreciate the offer, toots, don't get me wrong," he continued, hastily. "But…uh…y'know, I'd hate to ruin the whole you and me hating each other gag, and that's what's gonna happen if we sleep together, y'see. I ain't the kinda guy who likes to kill a great joke like that…"

She kissed him tenderly. "Harley ever tell you you talk too much?" she whispered, grinning at him. "I ain't really a fan of talking. Just action. C'mon, J," she whispered, grinning and sliding her hands down his chest. "Let's make love."

"Boy, you do not take no for an answer," stammered Joker. "I gotta admire your resolution in a way, but….uh…well, I…uh…ain't really in the mood, toots. I mean, you can feel down there if you don't believe me – limp as a rubber chicken."

"Mmm, well, I'm sure we can get the cock to doodle do, what do you think, J?" she whispered, pulling down the front of her dress to reveal more of her ample bosom as her hand moved down to his belt. She frowned suddenly. "Hmm…I was expecting more of a reaction to that. What's wrong? Don't you think I'm attractive?"

"It's nothing personal, toots, really," he said. "You're a pretty dame – you just ain't really my type. And I got…certain, specific needs in order to make my slide whistle grow…"

"Is it Batman?" she whispered.

"What? No!" he snapped. Then he paused. "Uh…actually…yeah. Yeah, it is. It is Batman. He's the only person who can…y'know…make me pop the bang flag. So why doncha go get him?"

She grinned. "I'll do one better than that, J," she whispered, kissing him and standing up. She turned on the TV facing the bed, and flipped over to the news channel, where, as usual in Gotham, there was a report about Batman, and file footage showing him in action. "Mmm, look at him beating up all those bad, bad guys," purred Ivy, climbing back into the Joker's lap and rubbing herself up and down. "Look at them getting pounded by his big, hard Bat-fist. Look at all the blood spurting everywhere, and the bones breaking, and the big, red, raw bruises…"

"Oh…God…" stammered Joker, doing his best to control himself against the onslaught of sex and violence, the latter having more effect than the former.

"Mmm, that's right, J," she whispered, grinning. "Oh, you are a big boy, aren't you? I used to think Harley didn't know what she was talking about, but she wasn't joking, was she?"

"Pammie, I ain't gonna…I ain't…" He shut his eyes tightly. "Think of something that'll turn you off," he muttered to himself. "Something that'll make you angry or disgusted…Bats…in a dress!" He looked down and frowned. "Huh. Strangely that didn't work. Bats…having sex with Harley…woah, ok, that one backfired! Always nice to discover a new fetish anyway…ok, no dice with Bats, think of someone you really, really hate…Eddie Nygma! Eddie Nygma having sex with anyone! Not that that's a realistic scenario, but still…Eddie Nygma killing Bats! And then explaining how he did it with one of his tedious riddles! Oh yeah, that's worked!" he cried happily, looking down and smiling.

Ivy climbed off of him, frowning. "You're really going to be difficult, aren't you?" she muttered. "It's ok, J, I like a challenge. The climax is so much more satisfying when you have to fight for it. But I'm tired of waiting," she sighed, reaching over to the bedside table and picking up a tube of lipstick. "I want you now," she whispered, smearing it on her lips. "And you want me now, don't you, lover?" she breathed, taking his face in her hands and bringing her lips down to his.

A black shape crashed through the roof at that moment and landed on the bed. "Aw, great, just when I'm trying not to get turned on, you show up!" snapped Joker, as Batman straightened up.

Batman gave him a strange look, and then ripped Ivy away from him. "Where's the antidote to the love potion?" he demanded.

"Get offa me!" she shrieked, struggling to get back to the Joker. "I want him! I want him now! I gotta have him!"

Batman threw her across the room, knocking her against the wall and winding her. Then he grabbed her by the throat, lifting her up and choking her. "Where is it?" he demanded.

"Oh yeah," breathed Joker, grinning. "That's how you do it, Bats."

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, bursting into the room at that moment with Two-Face following her. She saw him chained to the bed and screamed, leaping on top of him and covering him protectively while kissing him passionately. "Oh, Mr. J, she didn't hurt you, did she? You're all right, aren't you? You're…"

She trailed off suddenly when she brushed against his lap, and then grew furious. "You're excited?!" she demanded.

"Yeah, baby, who wouldn't be, with a gorgeous little gal like you on top of them, covering them with kisses?" asked Joker, grinning.

Harley's smile instantly returned. "Oh, Mr. J!" she breathed lovingly, kissing him again.

"Harley, get offa him!" shrieked Ivy, struggling with Batman. "He's mine!"

"Pammie, get ahold of yourself!" shouted Two-Face. "It's disgusting seeing you act like Harley! That ain't you!"

"You don't know anything about me, Harvey!" shouted Ivy.

"I know you're under some kinda spell, and you gotta snap outta it!" he yelled.

"Ivy, I need you to tell me where the antidote is!" hissed Batman. "Or at least what chemicals were in the potion so I can figure it out for myself!"

"Never!" hissed Ivy. "I'll never help you, Batman! You're just like every other man, horrible and cruel and selfish! Except J!"

"Are you nuts?!" demanded Two-Face. "There's no man in the world more horrible, cruel, and selfish than J! And the Pammie I know would be smart enough to see that! The last thing she'd ever do is demean herself for some guy, no matter how attracted she was to him! She would remain strong and smart and cool and confident! That's what I love about her!"

"You don't love me!" she hissed.

"I do!" he shouted. "And I'm about to prove it!"

He seized her in his arms, shoving his mouth onto hers and kissing her deeply. Then he suddenly pulled away, slamming his skull into hers and knocking her unconscious.

"Yep, nothing says I love you like a kiss and a headbutt," agreed the Joker, nodding. "Though I've always been partial to the old kiss and backhand myself…"

"She needed to be subdued," growled Two-Face, striding over to the bedside table and opening a drawer. "For her own good."

He rifled through the drawer and pulled out a syringe. "Pammie always keeps her pheromone antidote by her bed," he muttered. "Just in case she changes her mind about the guy when she wakes up."

He bent down and injected Ivy with the serum. "I dunno if she's gonna remember a lot of what she's done when she regains consciousness," he murmured. "But I'd ask that you don't mock her for it, J."

"Would I do a thing like that?" asked Joker, grinning.

Ivy stirred suddenly, her eyes flickering open. "Harvey?" she whispered. "What's going on? Where am I?" she said, as he helped her slowly to her feet. "Who…"

She froze in horror. "Why is the Joker handcuffed to my bed?" she gasped.

Joker grinned. "Good morning to you too, beautiful," he murmured. "I would have asked you to untie me, but you fell asleep right after we were done. Not that I blame you - I was tuckered out from all that exercise myself. How was it for you anyway?"

Ivy's look of horror deepened. "Oh…God!" she stammered. "We can't have…we didn't…"

And she suddenly fainted. Two-Face caught her as she fell, just as Harley turned to glare at Joker. "Mr. J!" she snapped.

"She deserved it, pooh," he retorted. "Now somebody get these handcuffs off me! Aw, thanks, Batsy, you're a pal!" he said, beaming as Batman unlocked them from the bed, and then chained one to Harley's wrist, and one to Two-Face's.

"Only once we get to Arkham," he muttered, dragging them all out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

"Pammie! Good to see you up and about!" said the Joker, as Poison Ivy entered the cafeteria of Arkham Asylum the next day. He held out his arms to her. "How about a kiss, sweetheart?"

"Just back off, you disgusting creep," muttered Ivy.

"You know, I'm getting some real mixed signals from you, dollface," he said, grinning. "Only yesterday you had me handcuffed to the bed, and suddenly you don't wanna have nothing to do with me no more. I'm offended, to say the least."

"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, stop kidding her," said Harley. "I'm real sorry about what happened, Red…"

"Just skip it, Harley," interrupted Ivy. "The best thing everyone can do is just forget all about it."

"You know I will, Pammie," said Joker, grinning. "Consider it forgotten. I can't remember a single thing about you trying to seduce me, or undressing in front of me, or saying that I was hung like a stallion…"

"That doesn't sound like something I would say, love potion or not," said Ivy.

"Well, the implication was there," said Joker. "I think. We've forgotten all about it, after all. But I certainly hope you'll remember it the next time you try to give Harley advice about being self-respecting. Because I gotta say, I have never seen a more desperate or pathetic sight than you pawing me. Looks like both of you ladies are just mad for the Big J," he chuckled.

"Really, Mr. J?" squeaked Harley, happily. "She was more pathetic than me?"

"Yes, pooh, hard as it is to believe," said Joker, patting her head. "You're no longer the most pathetic woman I know."

"Aw, I think that's one of the nicest things you've ever said to me, puddin'," sighed Harley, dreamily.

Ivy opened her mouth to say something. "What's that, Weed Lady?" began Joker, beaming. "You've remembered something else? Oh yes, you did say that every other man in the world was horrible and cruel and selfish, except me. So glad you've finally come round to Harley's way of thinking. Though you better not tell her how hard you tried to inflate my trouser snake."

"She…what?" stammered Harley.

"You know I wasn't in control of my words or actions, Harley…" began Ivy.

"Yes, Pammie said she was finally gonna let me be with a real woman," sighed the Joker.

"I'm…I'm a real woman," said Harley, tears in her eyes. "And I'm the only dame who can inflate Mr. J's trouser snake, you get that, you lousy tramp?!" she shrieked at Ivy.

"Harley, I told you, it's not my fault…" began Ivy.

"J, Harley, I just remembered I got something to show you," said Two-Face, standing up suddenly. "It's back in the cell block."

"Tell me it's a video of Pammie confessing her love for me at your place," said Joker.

"Uh…yeah, that's it," said Two-Face, slowly.

"This I gotta see!" exclaimed the Joker, racing ahead.

He and Harley entered Two-Face's cell, which appeared to be empty. "Hey, what gives, Harv…" began Joker, but he suddenly slammed and locked the door on them.

"I'll tell Dr. Leland where you are in time for your next session," he said, smiling and walking off.

Joker stared after him. "Aw, c'mon, Harvey, can't you and Pammie take a joke?" he shouted. "I'm allowed to have a little fun, y'know! Bipolar freak," he muttered, sitting down on the bed.

"Aw, cheer up, puddin'," said Harley, cuddling against him. "I got a great idea for a way to pass the time…"

"Jesus Christ, Harley, what do you think I am, a machine?" he snapped, pushing her away. "Just cool it, would ya? I'm perfectly content to just sit here and think up a new scheme until someone comes to get us."

Harley sighed heavily. "Never get what I want," she muttered, looking around for something to do. She felt in her pockets and pulled out the syringe she had picked up from Ivy's house, just in case it came in handy. "Not much I can do with this…" she muttered, but she suddenly felt the small vial which contained the remains of the love potion in her other pocket, and smiled

"Ow!" shouted the Joker, as he felt a sharp pain in his neck. He whirled around to face Harley holding up a syringe. "God dammit, Harley, can't I just work in peace without being harassed by women all the time, you stupid, useless, irritating, waste of…"

He trailed off suddenly, staring at her. "Yeah, Mr. J?" she whispered, hopefully.

The next instant she was slammed against the wall of the cell, with the Joker kissing her passionately and tearing off her clothes. She returned his kisses with equal passion, beaming and tossing the syringe over her shoulder. "Shots," she whispered, pulling him tight against her. "Completely idiot proof. I love 'em."

…

"The clowns won't be a problem for a while," said Two-Face, re-entering the cafeteria, where only Ivy remained, picking at the remains of her steak. She smiled at him.

"Thanks, Harvey. You're sweet. And you shouldn't be, y'know, not after the way I treated you…"

He shrugged, sitting down next to her. "Well, I couldn't allow you to change me, could I, Pam?" he asked. "No sense in letting one person make you bitter toward the world. That's like letting them win."

Ivy nodded slowly. "I'm never gonna live this thing with J down," she whispered, burying her face in her hands.

"Aw, c'mon, Pammie – the moment you stop letting it get to you, he'll stop bringing it up," said Two-Face. "He only keeps at it because he knows you're gonna bite, and he thinks it's funny. Don't play into his hands like that. Just smile and laugh it off. Beat him at his own game. He'll stop then."

"You're just full of good advice today, aren't you, Mr. Former DA?" she murmured.

"Well, I've been in a bad mood for…a while now," said Two-Face, slowly. "But I had my friend Bruce Wayne over for a few drinks, and chatting with him really helped, y'know? It didn't resolve anything, but I just felt better after talking it out with a friend. Sometimes that's all you need, really."

They heard Harley scream suddenly in pleasure all the way from the cell block. "Oh, Mr. J, yes! Oh, like a stallion is right!"

"Well, I don't think I'll be chatting with Harley for a while," sighed Ivy. "But she never stays mad at anyone long. At least I don't think this whole fiasco has damaged our friendship, so that's something."

"God, they're in my cell too," muttered Two-Face, angrily, flipping his coin. "Might have to request a transfer."

Ivy sighed again. "I guess I'd better look on the bright side of this whole affair. After all, J's only the second worst guy I've ever dated, so it coulda been worse."

"Am I the first?" asked Two-Face.

"No, Harvey, don't be silly," she muttered. "You're up there in my top three."

She took a sip of water. "Jason was the worst," she murmured.

"Jason?" prompted Two-Face.

"Jason Woodrue," she murmured. "Dr. Jason Woodrue. I worked under him when I first graduated – he was head of the botanical research department at Wayne Pharmaceuticals. I was fresh outta college, and I'd had boyfriends before, but I'd never had a really serious relationship, and I fell for him hard. He was handsome, charming, and like the young foolish girl I was, I trusted him completely."

She sipped from her drink again. "He was never interested in me as a person, only as an experiment," she murmured. "His specialty was rare plants, especially toxic ones, and their effects on living organisms. He had this dream to create a human-plant hybrid, and when he asked me to help make his dream a reality, I was overjoyed. The idea that he wanted me to be part of his dream, to share it with him…it seemed more romantic than anything I could ever imagine. I didn't see then that he was just phrasing it in that way so he could use me. That any girl would have sufficed to share his dream, but I was the only one stupid enough to say yes."

She stared off into the middle distance, remembering. "I remember that night so very clearly," she whispered. "It could have been yesterday. I remember sitting there, naked and shivering, terrified, but so, so happy to be helping the man I love. I remember his face, smiling and grateful, I remember his kiss as he told me we would accomplish great things together, as he promised me we would always be together. I remember the touch of the needle as it pierced my flesh. And I remember the sudden, agonizing pain as the plant toxins began to attack my cells, and mutate my body. I remember the look in his eyes then, the terror, the sudden horror, realizing that he had murdered me. Not that he cared about me, of course, just his own professional reputation. He ran, as I lay screaming on the ground, my entire body changing. He left me to die there, alone and sobbing."

Her hands were shaking, and Two-Face gently put his hands over hers. She clasped them tightly. "I was dying," she whispered. "I knew I was dying. But that didn't matter. All that mattered was that my heart was breaking. That hurt more than all the poisons and toxins rushing through my body. The sudden, terrible knowledge that he didn't care about me, that he had never cared about me, that he didn't love me. That it was all a lie. I wanted to die then, anything to make the horrible, unendurable pain stop. But I didn't die. I changed, but I didn't die. Like the best plants, I adapted to my circumstances. My body mutated, bonded with the plant toxins, and grew strong. I didn't die. I staggered into the dim light of dawn as a creature, part human, part plant. I didn't realize then what a blessing that was. The human part of me was still too strong, my heart was still bleeding. I've learned to control that now."

She wiped her eyes. "Y'see, the terrible thing is, it's his fault I'm the way I am," she whispered. "Everything I am today, I owe to him. My bond with plants, my happiness, my purpose – he gave me all of that. But he broke my heart. And that overwhelms all the good he's done for me. I hate him. And I hate me, for being this thing he created. I can never be happy with myself, you see, because I'm not me. I'm an experiment a man performed on me once. A man that I despise. And so…I can't ever really be happy."

She was crying again, and Two-Face gently embraced her. "Listen to me, Pammie," he whispered. "We all got scars. Not as obvious as yours or mine, maybe, but we all got some part of us that was created and shaped by the cruelty of other people. Pain's a part of life. It's not about not letting people hurt you – it's about being able to take that pain, and use it, and grow stronger. And you're the strongest person I know, Pammie. He didn't create that strength. You did."

He tilted her chin up. "Do you know what I see when I look at you?" he murmured. "Not some plant-human hybrid, and not some freak experiment. I see the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on in my life. I see her strength and confidence and intelligence. And I also see her fragility, which she tries so hard to hide. But you don't have to hide it, Pammie. You're strong enough now to let yourself be weak again. To be vulnerable, to maybe even let yourself be hurt again, because now you're strong enough to overcome that pain. He didn't give that to you. You did that, Pammie. You did all that."

The tears trailed down Ivy's cheeks, and she hugged Two-Face tightly, burying her face in his chest. "I…love you, Harvey," she whispered.

"I love you too, Pammie," he murmured, stroking her hair back.

They didn't say anything for a long time. They just held each other. "Is that why you hate J so much?" murmured Two-Face, at last. "You see him as Jason, and Harley as you?"

"That's one of the many reasons why I hate J so much," she muttered. "I'm just trying to keep Harley from making the same mistake I did, and sacrificing everything for a guy who doesn't love her in return. I'm trying to spare her my pain."

Two-Face shook his head. "She's gotta learn to be strong just like you. And she'll only get that way through making mistakes, just like you did. You can't protect her, Pammie. And strangely…" he trailed off. "Strangely I think J might actually be more of a decent guy than Jason was."

"That's saying something," said Ivy, forcing a smile.

"Is…Jason still alive?" he murmured.

"I dunno," she replied. "I don't want to know. Why?"

Two-Face smiled. "Because if he is, he better hope he don't ever run into me," he murmured. "I won't even consult the coin for him. I'll just cut him in two."

Ivy grinned. "Thanks, Harvey, but I can do my own dirty work," she replied. "I don't need a man to do it for me."

"No," he agreed, standing up. "You don't need me. But don't be afraid to call on me, if you ever do."

He bent down and kissed her cheek gently. "See you around, Pam."

"Bye, Harvey," she whispered, gazing after him. "And…thank you."

He shook his head. "No, thank you, Pammie," he whispered. "I can see why you never wanted to tell me before. But it's all out in the open now, and they say that's the best way to get rid of unwanted memories. I hope you feel better anyway."

"Yeah…I do, Harvey," she whispered. "For the first time in a long time…I really do."

He smiled and left her. Ivy returned to her cell and took a seat on her bed, as one of her plant vines came down to curl around her. She petted it, and then reached for a piece of paper. "Now let's see," she murmured, smiling. "What I want in a man. Not dead," she wrote again. She thought for a moment, and then added. "No clowns." She studied the incredibly short list and nodded, folding it away. "Yep," she said, smiling. "That'll do."

**The End**


End file.
